Actually It is Lupis
by endybear
Summary: What happens when The Doctor and his companion Martha Wolfie #T crash land at Princeton Plainsbrough? Script format written as a Theater Apprice assignment with a group. Don't flame


_Actually It is Lupis_

Discover DR. HOUSE lying on gurney in exam room in Princeton Plainsbrough Hospital, evening, watching TV show on a smart phone. Enter DR. CUDDY stage right. It should be playing the _Doctor Who_ intro theme.

CUDDY: House, did you put that Police call box in the staff room?

HOUSE: (Sarcastically) Is it blue, Cuddy?

CUDDY: (takes phone, theme stops) House.

HOUSE: Hey!

CUDDY: You know you're not supposed to be lying around in the rooms while you're on duty.

HOUSE: Cuddy, you're not supposed to wear such a low cut top to work. It distracts people.

Enter THE DOCTOR pushing MARTHA from stage right.

HOUSE: Who are you?

DOCTOR: The Doctor.

CUDDY: Doctor who?

DOCTOR: Just the Doctor. And you are?

HOUSE: (pulls small ribbon out of DOCTOR's jacket pocket)

CUDDY: Just the Doctor? 

DOCTOR: That's going to be confusing.

MARTHA: Ummm guys, hey guys can we focus on me? Sick person here.

HOUSE: Come now it's not all about you.

DOCTOR: We have a patient? Fantastic. (Gets out his Sonic Screwdriver)

MARTHA: (confused) Am I in the right hospital?

HOUSE: Is there a wrong hospital? (to CUDDY) Is this part of my punishment for something?

CUDDY: I had nothing to do with it. He (indicates to THE DOCTOR) just showed up. (to MARTHA) What's wrong?

MARTHA: I just wanna get better.

DOCTOR: (Runs the screwdriver over MARTHA and then to MARTHA again) Interesting.

HOUSE: (mockingly) "I just wanna get better" it would _really _help if you told us what's wrong.

MARTHA: Fever, sore throat, fatigue. . . (starts cracking up laughing randomly)

CUDDY: (to House) Strep? (sets phone down on the gurney)

HOUSE: Scarlet Fever?

DOCTOR: (picks up the phone and starts examining it; cue Tardis sound)

CUDDY: Pericarditis?

HOUSE: Arrhythmias?

DOCTOR: (looks up from phone) LUPIS!

HOUSE: It's NOT Luipus it's NEVER Lupus!

CUDDY: Do you really think it's Lupus?

MARTHA: (looks very confused)

DOCTOR: Not Lupus, Lupis! She's a werewolf. (to Martha) Do you have a craving for raw meat?

HOUSE: It's still not Lupis.

DOCTOR: Dihydrogen monoxide poisoning.

CUDDY: (raises eyebrow)

HOUSE: She's being poisoned by water?

DOCTOR: It sounded dangerous?

MARTHA: Guys!

CUDDY: (calmly) What else is wrong?

MARTHA: Muscle pain, chills, headache.

DOCTOR: She's a ganger!

HOUSE: Moron.

DOCTOR: (very seriously to Martha) Have you recently time traveled without proper protection? Contrary to what you'd think it's very common. Radiation kills.

MARTHA: I don't think so.

HOUSE: You don't think so? How would you not know if you time traveled.

MARTHA: I just wanna get better.

CUDDY: (To House) What if it is Lupus.

HOUSE: Cuddy, it's not Lupus. It's NEVER Lupus.

CUDDY: Lupus is a legitimate ailment. It could be Lupus. She's tired, she's got a rash. You're supposed to be a diagonistician I don't keep you around to lay on a gurney watching TV on a phone. You have a job to do House, even if it's just going to get Foreman or Chase to actually do the tests.

HOUSE: It's not Lupus.

CUDDY: Just do the damn test!

HOUSE: (wheels MARTHA off to find Chase and/or Foreman) Foreman! My office now!

MARTHA: (laughs manicly while being off stage off stage)

DOCTOR: (states to the side) She's definitely a Werewolf.

CUDDY: (raises eyebrows)

DOCTOR: What, Who said that? (Looks around the stage accusingly)

CUDDY: Exactly where did you come from?

DOCTOR: Galifrey.

CUDDY: What?

DOCTOR: Galifrey, I'm a Time Lord.

CUDDY: Are you saying you're an alien?

DOCTOR: Yes. (puts the earpieces of a stethescope into Cuddy's ears and then places the scopy part over both of his hearts)

CUDDY: Simple trick of the-

(Cuddy gets interrupted by HOUSE as he and MARTHA come back on)

HOUSE: Cuddy, I told you it wasn't Lupus. What part of "it's not Lupus" do you not understand?

DOCTOR: Lupis...Not lupus.

HOUSE: It's not that either.

DOCTOR: How do you know? (Doctor beings studying patient intently)

HOUSE: That's the most hairless werewolf I've ever seen.

CUDDY: How many werewolves have YOU seen?

HOUSE: More than you.

CUDDY: It can't be Lupis, House. Werewolves belong in movies.

DOCTOR: No, they belong in London.

CUDDY: (shakes head and turns back to HOUSE) Again they belong in movies. They're like ghosts, witches, and aliens they belong in MOVIES! They're not real, House.

DOCTOR: And after all we've been through.

CUDDY: (ignores DOCTOR) Besides it's a full moon (gestures to window). She can't be a werewolf, she wouldn't be human still if she was a werewolf.

DOCTOR: Actually, it's only if they look at the full moon. If she hasn't laid eyes on the moon yet she hasn't turned. (HOUSE begins boucning ball DOCTOR steals the ball midair and begin bouncing it. MARTHA watches it intently like a dog) On that note, did you know the royal family are werewolves? I was there when it happened, actually. Funny story. Let me just test a theory real quick. (DOCTOR pushes MARTHA off stage) (off stage) Oh look! A Cat-Frizbee-Dog Treat!

HOUSE: (pulls key attatched to ribbon out of his pocket and beings to examin it mid-way though DOCTOR's rant)

MARTHA: (off stage) Howls! (While putting on Wolf gear.)

DOCTOR: (runs on stage and stops near Cuddy) Listen very carefully...Run! (grabs Cuddy's Wrist and drags her along after.)

CUDDY: (Is forcebly pulled offstage.)

HOUSE: Nice try, I'm not budging. (laughs mockingly and stays where he is)

MARTHA: (runs on in wolf gear and mauls HOUSE)

DOCTOR: Ooooh, Look a ball. We like those, Fetch! (holds tennis ball and throws off towards stage left)

MARTHA: (chases after ball off stage)

DOCTOR: (Takes TARDIS key from HOUSE's hand)

MARTHA: (Runs back onstage with the ball in her mouth happily dropping it at the DOCTOR's feet)

DOCTOR: (Picks up the ball and holds it up) Does Martha-Wolfie want to ride in the TARDIS? (Heads slowly offstage with the ball MARTHA follows after happily) Who's a good Werewolf? You are, Yes you are!

FIN


End file.
